2010- The year Chris became a man and Alli knocked out a man!

So 2010 is coming to a rapid end and I am penning this end of year blog mere moments after destroying a sumptuous five course dinner and having wood pigeon for the second consecutive New Year’s eve in a row. I figure I have about 40 minutes to wrap this year up in blog form before 2011 begins.

2010 has contained many highlights and also some hates (some comical). One of the highlights of the year was a golden stretch of cinema in the summer that began with the incredible/mind blowing inception and ended with the thrilling A-Team. Inception was so good that I regularly dream of taking it behind a sixth form bike shed and getting it pregnant so we may spawn a sequel (if most sequels didn’t tend to disappointment much like children I imagine). The A-team was phenomenal as mentioned in a previous blog, it is the kind of movie that demands you to ask no questions and just have fun, if only women could be the same way.  Television also had a stellar year, with Curb your enthusiasm, 30 rock, Girls of the Playboy Mansion and Dexter taking top billing. Curb and 30 rock just raise a smile every time I watch an episode, while girls of the playboy mansion just gave us an insight into how much fun girls who rely solely on their looks can have, especially when you throw in a rich old bachelor and the world’s finest surgeon, making us wish we could be at the pre lash of a playboy event. It’s also quite disconcerting how watching an episode of Dexter will have you planning a perfect murder, possibly on the ski slopes (yes I hate snowsports, just in case anyone missed the memo).

2010 was also the year of gaming! From COD to Gran Turismo to the utterly ridiculously addictive Football Manager(working with such a small compact Everton squad was a delight that spawned the mantra “their are no stars”). Chris can give his thanks to games for literally extending his stay at university by 12 months and counting.

Another particular highlight was the post exams partying and winding down which had me and Chris screaming for “four more weeks” of house parties where every Reading footballer seemed to own a blackberry, a pair of boating shoes and copious amounts of brylcreem for the ridiculous slicked back hair they all sport. Also seemed to be an overkill of attacking midfielders. However in the second half of 2010 house parties exhibited a worryingly high male:female ratio, although when you turn up in a group of 7-10 boys, you hardly have a platform to complain.

2010 was also the year I gained a mutual love of denim with Chris, we realised girls with low self esteem don’t need Gok Wan, they just need a great piece of “well cut, fitted, thin and rough where it need to be” denim. We will send a memo round when a new piece of fabric steals our heart surprisingly (jeggings 2009).

2010 wasn’t all oggling women and watching great movies on the big and little screen plus the other positives of life. There was also some negatives in 2010. First in the firing line is blackberrys for many reasons but mainly because blackberry owners just bang on about bbm all day. There is no advantage to bbm, most phone contracts now come with unlimited texts, completely rendering the need for bbm, and nothing is more infuriating than blackberry owners talking about the instant nature of bbm. Yes because text messages are known for their slow nature.

Another major hate of 2010 was expensive and rich couples. Nothing exemplified this more than watching a good friend of ours have to splurge a lot of money to keep his relationship going amidst all the crazy dinners, expensive presents and the need to reaffirm their relationship every month. To make it worse when they broke up, she had left him in such a precarious financial situation, he didn’t have the capacity to buy himself out of his depression and buy himself a new heart (just tragic), I’m surprised he didn’t have to pay her some money for lifestyle upkeep. Lets hope the recession and the public spending cuts will see the end to this toxic breed of women and relationships.

So that more or less gives a very small overview of 2010 and now we look forward to 2011. On a personal note I am looking forward to my first ever job in the summer, it should be exciting. I’m looking forward to writing more blogs because I have truly enjoyed penning these blogs purely for the amusement of Chris Wilson and Kieran Richards. I am also looking forward to seeing out the last two terms of university life for some of my closest friends, so expects lots of antics and picture perfect moments befitting DTA. Watching some more Kieran Richard inspired videos should be another highlight of 2011, the kid has a talent after 20 plus years of searching and it should be nurtured.


Also watch out for North Korea, this could be the year they finally make good on their threat to attack the South. Kim Jong-il's successor Kim Jong-un is said to be a particularly trigger happy young man, especially when he needs a show of strength to consolidate his position. Also another volcano is ready to explode in Iceland more specifically the Katla volcano, so make sure your travel insurance covers such an eventuality.

Here’s to another year of trusting no one kids and more importantly a year of all killer no filler!

Christmas Special.

Happy Christmas from DTA motherfuckers.

Welcome to the Christmas special! I’m just coming off a night that never happened if your name is Frank Rennie and reinforced the fact that I hate most people in the snowsports society. I hate stereotypes but I do believe in statistics and percentages and 80% of snowsports members I have met are to put it eloquoently, self obsessed morons although that might just be a reflection of society in general.

It was also Christmas at the Mansion on Wednesday and even for an African Jew like me it was quite a sensational event. The food was outstanding, the roast chicken was sensational, the potatoes and vegetables were phenomenal even the ham looked good. To top it off was the outrageous dessert I concocted, a quite delicious apricot tart. However putting the dessert together came with a rather uncomfortable moment in M&S, with an assistant looking at me with unease when I asked her for a champagne that goes well with an apricot tart, I felt like a black man asking for the vote during the height of apartheid South Africa. Secret Santa was also a highlight with some really thoughtful gifts, I was particularly happy with the gift Lee Prpa gave me; a rather pimpalicious (yes I said it) smoking pipe with accompanying dollar bill ring, which will no doubt serve me well in the smoking area of clubs which seem to be where I spend most of my time on nights out even though I don’t smoke and find smoking repulsive (unless it’s being used as part of a slimming aid, joking).

The accompanying union was also very eventful, with everyone dispersing and coming back with eventful tales, Chris finally crossed a massive obstacle which has stood in his way since the summer term and wrapped up a very memorable term for his sex life, or more accurately the start of his sex life. He also proved his love for his friends by standing up to a guy who seemed to have a problem with Kieran, the funny thing about Kieran is that no matter how outrageous his behaviour, he can always count on us, thereby probably reinforcing his behaviour.I also had an interesting union with a lady mesmerising me on the dance floor with her ridiculous body and dancing, I was entranced and quite frankly will never be able to get the image out of my head.

So an interesting term comes to end, I wish I had blogged more of the terms antics but do not despair, next term shall be equally exciting, for one I will be hosting dinner for 200 pharmacists, so that should be interesting.

I leave you with a trailer from an upcoming Mel Gibson film about a depressed toy company executive who resorts to using a beaver puppet to communicate and deal with his issues. I might adopt such a tactic...but probably not.

Finally an entertaining outlet for Kieran Richards' psyche.

This blogging effort would never have seen the world wide web if not for the cinematographic efforts of a certain Kieran Richards in producing two videos that encapsulate childhood excitement and also when friendship hits the point of obsession. The first video captures Chris Wilson getting his hands on his driving wheel for GT5 and subsequently getting an organism and not to break with tradition of having to pay financially for his orgasms, the driving wheel cost Wilson a substantial amount of cash, which is why I am still waiting for payment for a delivery job I did with Wilson a while back.

The second video concerns Kieran's love for Chris. In many ways and I'm sure anyone who knows these two, will agree that this video is immensely disturbing. The mastery of the concept however can't be denied and as is often quoted, there is a fine line between genius and a prison able offence, just ask Roman Polanski or George Michael. I look forward to more videos highlighting the darkest depths of his mind, hopefully one day we will have a video highlighting his fear of sponges, and trust me, from hearing the back story, it would be a cracker.

In other news, I have immersed myself in the world of five a side football. I can only say that it is truly and honour to play alongside Louis, Alli, Prpa, and Wilson. Some of the football has been quite exquisite (mini Barcelona) although it has come at a cost. On Sunday I double twisted my vulnerable left knee which has left it looking like a sizeable watermelon, subsequently ruling me tragically out of the pharmacy tournament. I had planned to have my name all over that tournament like my birth certificate.

Alli has purchased an iPhone, further proof that you can teach an extremely old dog new tricks. It must be said that since taking the risk, he has become a bit of a gambler in everyday life, and so far he has the luck of the Irish with him and he is reaping huge rewards!

It is 3.30 am and I need to go into a slumber, so until next time which at my current blogging rate suggests end of January, good night and have a great holiday period if I can't bothered to write on here!

p.s Do not ask Mike Pang for a lighter! unless you're willing to donate some blood...

Captain's Log, Star date: Octoberfresh

Chris will no longer need to give that right arm such brutal workouts

I am putting this blog together in my breakfast bar, basking in the glory of a footballing victory while Gaisford is cooking his signature creamy pesto chicken pasta, while simultaneously hunting down new songs.

As you may have noticed this blog hasn’t been updated in a while, that was mainly because Chris is too busy banging bitches and smoking up these days and I didn’t want to fill up the blog with my excitement for the then upcoming freshers week. 

Anyways the rest of the holidays passed with little activity apart from Mike and Alli bringing the ruckus and (quite rightly) beating someone down in a club, like it was in danger of going out of fashion, and while I do not condone violence, I feel one can only admire the workmanship.

Freshers week was quite sensational, filled with more shenanigans than I can comprehend blogging. The first night was spent infiltrating the new halls with quite masterful performances from Chris and I , with Chris facing the added dilemma of what to do about an epileptic admirer, generating a Chris Wilson classic quote of “If she wasn’t epileptic, oh I would have gone there!”

Tuesdays lucky venue was Sakura which again was dominated by Chris related news, after storming out of Sakura due to over crowding, he regained his composure went back in and with me at his side taking bullets and grenades left, right and center he was finally able to become a man thanks to Miss K previously of Wantage who I believe has being nominated for a Pride of Reading Awards.

It hasn’t been all clubs this freshers, we have also attended house parties and they have all been male heavy dubstep laden disappointments. I sincerely hope house parties regain the kind of form they showed towards the end of last year that made me dream of four more weeks.

I have also purchased a bike and it is the best thing I have ever done. Distance around Reading is no longer an issue in my life and I feel like I have given myself the gift of time. 

Anyways I feel I must head off otherwise Gaisford will work himself into a rage over my inability to stop pasta(fusilli) from sticking. If anybody has a solution to this problem which is proving a thorn in my relationship, please feel free to contact me.

See you round the bend.

I come to you with great news...

Today Gaisford and I finally sneaked a flat. Not just any flat, a palatial abode which we hope will be the base for a sensational 9 months, the location is prime, Morrison's one way, town the other way and whiteknights campus and gym(hahahahah) straight ahead while staying beautifully out of the student bubble and at a great price, in short, I have high hopes. It’s being a tough ordeal and unusually I came close to cracking mentally on Saturday, and seriously contemplated a return to halls but alas that very evening a solution was found.

Since my last blog I have spent quite a lot of time in London, particularly enjoying the British museum, which is probably the best free thing you can do in London, and requires multiple visits to really get a meaningful experience out of it.

Anyways I haven’t blogged here or anywhere else for that matter for a while. I also saw Bacary Sagna(arsenal footballer) yesterday which was a particularly amusing experience because Frank and I had spent the 10 minutes preceding us seeing him, deriding his all white range rover as a Colombian drug dealers car especially because the alloys were also white and he had blacked out the windows. It was a good note to end a great day of touring London, coca cola(beer for everyone else), seeing Kieran Richards, who was gracious enough to come meet Frank and I, once his girlfriend had headed off to work and a great dinner courtesy of Nina(Franks sister). I did however lose my debit card in an ATM machine which was very upsetting although I wouldn’t have been as upset if the machine had not shut down and booted up windows XP, I felt like someone was playing a sick joke on me. I thought only cheap netbooks still ran XP.

possible new look for next term?

Ramadan also ended at the end of the week, and it’s great to have my freedom back although I still find myself forgetting I can drink a nice glass of water during the days now. However I did stay unbeaten at tennis throughout the period, sure my opponent was not of the greatest standard but that should not diminish my herculean effort in the heat.

I also had the misfortune of having to use the services of the post office recently, which was harrowing to say the least and drained me of happiness the second I walked it. The customer service is awful and I’m not surprised they are bleeding so much money. Also any one under the age of 40 that uses the post office to pay for utility bills such as gas in this age of direct debits and online banking should be put in prison.

Until next time...

P.s. On a completely different note Cara Jane Adams is currently reeling from a particularly vicious wasp attack on her foot.

An Original Mamman...

Firstly I must apologise for the delay in posting the new blog, sadly my laptop has died on me, years of recklessness and savannah gold(hottest topic of the year) has finally caught up with it, anti-virus software was merely delaying the inevitable. To compound the issue my insurance cover is with PC World and the Techguys service they offer, which sucks. I have no problems with automated customer services but it is ridiculous to expect voice recognition software to understand my voice. Most of my friends struggle with my accent and general mumblings at the best of times and they've had years of practice, come on PC world, sort it out. 

An Original Mamman.

I have started volunteering at the Reading Museum of English and Rural Life alongside Louis Leeves (who everyone calls Ollie but he hasn't quite got the heart to correct them). It is quite fun walking around the museum, painting and making sculptures with the kids, in fact I have been pleasantly surprised by how much artistic talent I'm loaded with. The only slight problem I've encountered so far is that I sometimes forget I'm around kids, so far I have suggested to a kid that a painting he was helping with looked like ''it was on mushrooms'' and also introduced the concept of suicide. Luckily no harm seems to have been done.

Sorry to announce this so publicly to any women out there with intentions of having me father their child.I have been hammered,shamed and bruised at Pro evolution soccer by Chris Wilson and Alli Gaisford and I cannot possibly have children under such a cloud of mediocrity, it's been a truly atrocious couple of weeks on the playstation front.

I have also been looking for accommodation for Gaisford and myself for next year, we are faced with a stark choice, go a dirt cheap pad which would allow us to feast like royalty on M&S groceries next year, or plump for a plusher pad but eat like paupers. Also location is proving a tricky issue, although we would like to be close to the uni, we have no desire to reside in the student bubble (De beauvoir, Bleinham, e.t.c) out of fear of running into people and having to do the whole stop and chat bullshit.

Anyways seeing expendables soon, I am quite excited to see Sly Stallone go through his full repertoire of 3 facial expressions. Until next time live long and prosper bitches...enjoy yourself.

Turning Twenty and Messy

After great anticipation and hype, my first blog is finally here...

So if you have been fretting over being in the dark about my account of the last couple of weeks and turning 20 then you can sit back and as Shey would say to his loving bitches: “enjoy yourself”.

Even though I saw Inception before I turned 20 I feel it definitely deserves a mention as the most mind-blowingly epic film I can think of and I feel I am insulting it with this mere mention of just a paragraph dedicated to it. The only regret I have about it is that I haven’t seen it a second time round.

Now on to the feeling of being 20; at the time of writing I can safely report that there have been no physical changes in me and my voice is still as high as ever. I have been binging like a trooper on such luxuries as KFC (notably the magnificent gravy that could definitely bring an end to the troubles in the Middle East), Mcdonalds and the odd crate of tinnies. Talking of this binging, the last brutal drinking game of my teenage years was situated at David Goddard’s house where I made a mockery of Finkle’s rah hand me down Ralph Lauren shirt by getting sick all over it after being welcomed back to Basingstoke with many gifts in the form of pints of stella (and also Dave’s toilet floor which was surprisingly amusing to his dad Marcus). This night was followed then by a whim outing into Basingstoke’s intriguing nightlife to celebrate my last night of being a teenager with just the solo Antony Thornton for company, which I now know is a dangerous combination with events on and around the dance floor which are surely only matched for embarrassment by England’s world cup performance this year. It is safe to say these events should not be brought up again and I look forward to a denim filled freshers week to put them firmly behind me.

My actual birthday was a delight with many great gifts with the most notable being a hat with the round head of a hero of the gimp manc world, Karl Pilkington sitting upon it. It is definitely my new crown.

Just like Hitler, I try and plan ahead and I tried to make my birthday as childish as possible with the Basingstoke rabble and I visiting the local leisure park to enjoy a 9 hole round of golf where I hit my personal best ever score of 35 to predictably lose only to one Tom Skinner which I was understandably ecstatic about as we then followed this round up with a beautiful and timeless big mac (the 4th fast food outing in 4 days) which saw me wearing a lovely bib provided by Stuart (aka. Alan Titchmarsh) to protect my glistening white shirt which was sabotaged so cruelly by my own dad armed only with a tub of KFC beans. We then moved on to the bowling alley with a perfect circle of a tomato sauce stain on my shirt to comfort me. The theme of the day was to power bowl our way through many frames and dirty shots that had been so kindly mixed and donated to my big day’s drinking cause which astonishingly did not make a return journey back up my gullet. The ever drunk Duckman then fell for a cruel trick by my team and I to ruin his game which he then blamed on the infinitely camp manager to then get chucked out by the slowest security team I have seen since the 60s. He then decided to then run back in and steal a bowling ball... Ronnie Biggs eat your heart out!

After as dramatic an evening you can have when bowling I returned to Reading after introducing the Southenders and fellow denim and filthy joke lover Mr Hesp to a bit of pitch n putt. This first night in uni town was filled with many over priced beers and resulted in being walked home with old man Gaisford with Shey playing the carer role. Only the lord would know what any passer by would have that about what position in society us three had on a Monday night stumbling around the suburbs while house hunting at the same time. The brilliant birthday week then came to a fitting end with the awesome A-Team which inspired me to adopt the insane scene-stealing Murdock into my own personality from now on. And looking back at the action packed week I have definitely learned there definitely is no plan B.

Scabface

The latest drunken night has also seen me delve into a new drinking game called “Ride the bus” which can evidently be rigged against such paraletic fools such as myself and, once again, the great duck (who, after trying to open a kitchen door with his foot, chundered all over it much to everyone’s, especially Skinner’s, amusement). After this game eventually came to a head we headed out to create club roundabout which ended up with wrestling, neighbour fighting and injuries (pictured) all happening after duckman had vomit squeezed out of him all over Ant’s leg, much akin to a tube of toothpaste, during a dog pile. It seemed like a mixture of scenes from the hills have eyes and family guy.

I have also learned that I am definitely not a leader of the schweffing and prefer to be pushed in the right direction rather than making on the spot schweff decisions after a distinctive lack of it recently...

I feel after nearly 1000 words of my first blog it is time to call it a day and move on to writing my sitcom with fellow executive producer David Goddard (remember that name, hopefully for the right reasons and not because you are scared stiff by a creepy overseas text he may have sent you recently).This video is well worth a watch and apparently we look like this pair. I’ll leave it to you to decide which is which... http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/e8e4424115/between-two-ferns-with-zach-galifianakis-from-between-two-ferns-zach-galifianakis-michael-cera-and-comedy-deathray

Until next time, Chris Wilson... obviously.

There really was no plan B!

So a week has passed since I last posted an entry on here, I just kept it putting off, principally because not much is happening at this moment in my life ...

I did go to see the A-team as planned and I think I can speak for Frank and Chris when I say it was one of the most fun filled 2 hours we have ever spent in a cinema(so much so I happily watched it again with my nephew the day after) or any darkly lit space for that matter. We came out of the movie severely depressed while picking away at a Mcdonalds because it dawned on us how tedious and boring normal life is. On the upside however fancy dress costumes are pretty much sorted for the next few halloweens and as much as I would like to be Hannibal, I don't think I have a choice but to be B.A.

I am also still trying to get charity work, It is absurd how hard it is to secure charity work, so many hurdles to jump over. It is enough to make one just want to be unhelpful and reckless, you don't need an interview for that position. Talking of work, a particularly unpleasant experience at boots where the rudeness and inability of the staff to comprehend a very simple command just confirmed my hate for pharmacy and the pharmaceutical industry at large even though I am doing a pharmacy degree.

Played a game of tennis this week and I am glad to report I was utterly dominant although the match was error strewn and my opponent inept to put it mildly, but you can only crush what's in front and crush I did.

Until the next blog which I believe Chris Wilson is currently penning as we speak...

‎04.08.2010- Weezy turns 20 and desperate

Before I tackle the title of this blog, I would like to address a disturbing facebook conversation I witnessed earlier between Christopher John Wilson and David Goddard. David started the conversation by addressing Chris as a "Wigga." I'm not one to comment on racial issues but I find the term Wigga incredibly upsetting, my issues with the term in because it implies that any white man can be black simply by uttering a few buzzwords they picked up from some rap songs, there is far more to being a black man, least of all the need to recognise that 90% of the problems in your life are linked to your race and that Chicken(with a light and crispy coating) and watermelon are the food of champions.

Now back to the title of this blog. Chris is now 20 years old, not much has changed apart from the gap between him and the denim objects of his desire is now one year bigger!


We went to Vodka Revs for his first Reading outing as a 20 year old and it was plain to see he was still a lightweight, smashed after a few pints, uttering sentences that wouldn't have made him look out of place in a mental patient ward, especially how mad his mutterings became when he saw any type of female shape, although to be fair this is no different to a sober Chris. Another highlight of the night was Chris playing pro evolution naked, I have never seen a man more committed to a game! I look forward to more outings...and pro evo tournaments, although I hope not to get as drained as I was today after what can only be termed as a blue collar victory, requiring lots of organisation and last man tactics, Sam Allardyce would be proud, I really bled for those digital warriors!

Tomorrow it is A-Team time, there is no plan B...

28.07.2010-Denim:It's no toy story.

Today was the day I had been waiting around a decade for, the day I finally completed one of the most awaited trilogy's, of course I am indeed talking about toy story 3. Before watching toy story 3 I had heard from several sources that it was a tear jerker but after watching it, I am still searching for the scenes which were supposed to make me cry like an English man at a world cup. Sure the scene where the toys seem to have met their end at the landfill site, made the popcorn (sweet) harder to swallow but the tear still refused to come. The film was nonetheless superb, with many moments and characters which no word can be used to describe them other than genius, namely Chuckles and Ken.

Preceding the movie was a trip to nandos which is always a delight, although I had to temper my order as I was in the company of finkle's denim clad lady. Which brings me to the love of denim which I have recently acquired. Like Chris says denim is best when it is "well cut, fitted, thin and rough where it needs to be". The summer is all about the denim!

I have also realised that I need a golf buggy in my life. I can think of no better way to get around campus and select bits of Reading where I woun't be attacked. So I urge any friends/family thinking of getting me a present for my birthday to forget about it and just pool their money together to get me a buggy, I would be eternally grateful. Until next time...

27.07.2010- The day I felt mortal

Today was meant to be a day full of victory and celebration, however it has turned out to be a nightmare which wouldn't go amiss in a Stephen King novel. First of all I lost at table tennis to Chris Wilson, it was more akin to an annihilation, now I know how Baghdad feels like. Then on the journey back from the scene of my defeat, I find out that one of my favourite porn stars was cruelly taken away from me by a knife wielding Islamic maniac, to compound the matter he's only going away for 8 years, this is not a fair punishment considering how much fun he's just taken away from the world and me in particular.


Now I have just lost at pro evolution soccer, without even the consolation of a return fixture. On the the upside though I have realised that I need an Ipad and a scooter in my life, it's the only way I cheer myself up after this disastrous day.

Anyways now to the upin for some bar maid action! hopefully with finkle's Paris Hilton look alike friend.

See you tomorrow, Same place. Same Blog.

P.S Frank better appreciate the new lounge set up, clean kitchen and the impending man cave, with ipads, hp slates, log fires, cognac, greek bathrobes and fine lighting.