An Original Mamman...

Firstly I must apologise for the delay in posting the new blog, sadly my laptop has died on me, years of recklessness and savannah gold(hottest topic of the year) has finally caught up with it, anti-virus software was merely delaying the inevitable. To compound the issue my insurance cover is with PC World and the Techguys service they offer, which sucks. I have no problems with automated customer services but it is ridiculous to expect voice recognition software to understand my voice. Most of my friends struggle with my accent and general mumblings at the best of times and they've had years of practice, come on PC world, sort it out. 

An Original Mamman.

I have started volunteering at the Reading Museum of English and Rural Life alongside Louis Leeves (who everyone calls Ollie but he hasn't quite got the heart to correct them). It is quite fun walking around the museum, painting and making sculptures with the kids, in fact I have been pleasantly surprised by how much artistic talent I'm loaded with. The only slight problem I've encountered so far is that I sometimes forget I'm around kids, so far I have suggested to a kid that a painting he was helping with looked like ''it was on mushrooms'' and also introduced the concept of suicide. Luckily no harm seems to have been done.

Sorry to announce this so publicly to any women out there with intentions of having me father their child.I have been hammered,shamed and bruised at Pro evolution soccer by Chris Wilson and Alli Gaisford and I cannot possibly have children under such a cloud of mediocrity, it's been a truly atrocious couple of weeks on the playstation front.

I have also been looking for accommodation for Gaisford and myself for next year, we are faced with a stark choice, go a dirt cheap pad which would allow us to feast like royalty on M&S groceries next year, or plump for a plusher pad but eat like paupers. Also location is proving a tricky issue, although we would like to be close to the uni, we have no desire to reside in the student bubble (De beauvoir, Bleinham, e.t.c) out of fear of running into people and having to do the whole stop and chat bullshit.

Anyways seeing expendables soon, I am quite excited to see Sly Stallone go through his full repertoire of 3 facial expressions. Until next time live long and prosper bitches...enjoy yourself.

Turning Twenty and Messy

After great anticipation and hype, my first blog is finally here...

So if you have been fretting over being in the dark about my account of the last couple of weeks and turning 20 then you can sit back and as Shey would say to his loving bitches: “enjoy yourself”.

Even though I saw Inception before I turned 20 I feel it definitely deserves a mention as the most mind-blowingly epic film I can think of and I feel I am insulting it with this mere mention of just a paragraph dedicated to it. The only regret I have about it is that I haven’t seen it a second time round.

Now on to the feeling of being 20; at the time of writing I can safely report that there have been no physical changes in me and my voice is still as high as ever. I have been binging like a trooper on such luxuries as KFC (notably the magnificent gravy that could definitely bring an end to the troubles in the Middle East), Mcdonalds and the odd crate of tinnies. Talking of this binging, the last brutal drinking game of my teenage years was situated at David Goddard’s house where I made a mockery of Finkle’s rah hand me down Ralph Lauren shirt by getting sick all over it after being welcomed back to Basingstoke with many gifts in the form of pints of stella (and also Dave’s toilet floor which was surprisingly amusing to his dad Marcus). This night was followed then by a whim outing into Basingstoke’s intriguing nightlife to celebrate my last night of being a teenager with just the solo Antony Thornton for company, which I now know is a dangerous combination with events on and around the dance floor which are surely only matched for embarrassment by England’s world cup performance this year. It is safe to say these events should not be brought up again and I look forward to a denim filled freshers week to put them firmly behind me.

My actual birthday was a delight with many great gifts with the most notable being a hat with the round head of a hero of the gimp manc world, Karl Pilkington sitting upon it. It is definitely my new crown.

Just like Hitler, I try and plan ahead and I tried to make my birthday as childish as possible with the Basingstoke rabble and I visiting the local leisure park to enjoy a 9 hole round of golf where I hit my personal best ever score of 35 to predictably lose only to one Tom Skinner which I was understandably ecstatic about as we then followed this round up with a beautiful and timeless big mac (the 4th fast food outing in 4 days) which saw me wearing a lovely bib provided by Stuart (aka. Alan Titchmarsh) to protect my glistening white shirt which was sabotaged so cruelly by my own dad armed only with a tub of KFC beans. We then moved on to the bowling alley with a perfect circle of a tomato sauce stain on my shirt to comfort me. The theme of the day was to power bowl our way through many frames and dirty shots that had been so kindly mixed and donated to my big day’s drinking cause which astonishingly did not make a return journey back up my gullet. The ever drunk Duckman then fell for a cruel trick by my team and I to ruin his game which he then blamed on the infinitely camp manager to then get chucked out by the slowest security team I have seen since the 60s. He then decided to then run back in and steal a bowling ball... Ronnie Biggs eat your heart out!

After as dramatic an evening you can have when bowling I returned to Reading after introducing the Southenders and fellow denim and filthy joke lover Mr Hesp to a bit of pitch n putt. This first night in uni town was filled with many over priced beers and resulted in being walked home with old man Gaisford with Shey playing the carer role. Only the lord would know what any passer by would have that about what position in society us three had on a Monday night stumbling around the suburbs while house hunting at the same time. The brilliant birthday week then came to a fitting end with the awesome A-Team which inspired me to adopt the insane scene-stealing Murdock into my own personality from now on. And looking back at the action packed week I have definitely learned there definitely is no plan B.

Scabface

The latest drunken night has also seen me delve into a new drinking game called “Ride the bus” which can evidently be rigged against such paraletic fools such as myself and, once again, the great duck (who, after trying to open a kitchen door with his foot, chundered all over it much to everyone’s, especially Skinner’s, amusement). After this game eventually came to a head we headed out to create club roundabout which ended up with wrestling, neighbour fighting and injuries (pictured) all happening after duckman had vomit squeezed out of him all over Ant’s leg, much akin to a tube of toothpaste, during a dog pile. It seemed like a mixture of scenes from the hills have eyes and family guy.

I have also learned that I am definitely not a leader of the schweffing and prefer to be pushed in the right direction rather than making on the spot schweff decisions after a distinctive lack of it recently...

I feel after nearly 1000 words of my first blog it is time to call it a day and move on to writing my sitcom with fellow executive producer David Goddard (remember that name, hopefully for the right reasons and not because you are scared stiff by a creepy overseas text he may have sent you recently).This video is well worth a watch and apparently we look like this pair. I’ll leave it to you to decide which is which... http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/e8e4424115/between-two-ferns-with-zach-galifianakis-from-between-two-ferns-zach-galifianakis-michael-cera-and-comedy-deathray

Until next time, Chris Wilson... obviously.

There really was no plan B!

So a week has passed since I last posted an entry on here, I just kept it putting off, principally because not much is happening at this moment in my life ...

I did go to see the A-team as planned and I think I can speak for Frank and Chris when I say it was one of the most fun filled 2 hours we have ever spent in a cinema(so much so I happily watched it again with my nephew the day after) or any darkly lit space for that matter. We came out of the movie severely depressed while picking away at a Mcdonalds because it dawned on us how tedious and boring normal life is. On the upside however fancy dress costumes are pretty much sorted for the next few halloweens and as much as I would like to be Hannibal, I don't think I have a choice but to be B.A.

I am also still trying to get charity work, It is absurd how hard it is to secure charity work, so many hurdles to jump over. It is enough to make one just want to be unhelpful and reckless, you don't need an interview for that position. Talking of work, a particularly unpleasant experience at boots where the rudeness and inability of the staff to comprehend a very simple command just confirmed my hate for pharmacy and the pharmaceutical industry at large even though I am doing a pharmacy degree.

Played a game of tennis this week and I am glad to report I was utterly dominant although the match was error strewn and my opponent inept to put it mildly, but you can only crush what's in front and crush I did.

Until the next blog which I believe Chris Wilson is currently penning as we speak...

‎04.08.2010- Weezy turns 20 and desperate

Before I tackle the title of this blog, I would like to address a disturbing facebook conversation I witnessed earlier between Christopher John Wilson and David Goddard. David started the conversation by addressing Chris as a "Wigga." I'm not one to comment on racial issues but I find the term Wigga incredibly upsetting, my issues with the term in because it implies that any white man can be black simply by uttering a few buzzwords they picked up from some rap songs, there is far more to being a black man, least of all the need to recognise that 90% of the problems in your life are linked to your race and that Chicken(with a light and crispy coating) and watermelon are the food of champions.

Now back to the title of this blog. Chris is now 20 years old, not much has changed apart from the gap between him and the denim objects of his desire is now one year bigger!


We went to Vodka Revs for his first Reading outing as a 20 year old and it was plain to see he was still a lightweight, smashed after a few pints, uttering sentences that wouldn't have made him look out of place in a mental patient ward, especially how mad his mutterings became when he saw any type of female shape, although to be fair this is no different to a sober Chris. Another highlight of the night was Chris playing pro evolution naked, I have never seen a man more committed to a game! I look forward to more outings...and pro evo tournaments, although I hope not to get as drained as I was today after what can only be termed as a blue collar victory, requiring lots of organisation and last man tactics, Sam Allardyce would be proud, I really bled for those digital warriors!

Tomorrow it is A-Team time, there is no plan B...

28.07.2010-Denim:It's no toy story.

Today was the day I had been waiting around a decade for, the day I finally completed one of the most awaited trilogy's, of course I am indeed talking about toy story 3. Before watching toy story 3 I had heard from several sources that it was a tear jerker but after watching it, I am still searching for the scenes which were supposed to make me cry like an English man at a world cup. Sure the scene where the toys seem to have met their end at the landfill site, made the popcorn (sweet) harder to swallow but the tear still refused to come. The film was nonetheless superb, with many moments and characters which no word can be used to describe them other than genius, namely Chuckles and Ken.

Preceding the movie was a trip to nandos which is always a delight, although I had to temper my order as I was in the company of finkle's denim clad lady. Which brings me to the love of denim which I have recently acquired. Like Chris says denim is best when it is "well cut, fitted, thin and rough where it needs to be". The summer is all about the denim!

I have also realised that I need a golf buggy in my life. I can think of no better way to get around campus and select bits of Reading where I woun't be attacked. So I urge any friends/family thinking of getting me a present for my birthday to forget about it and just pool their money together to get me a buggy, I would be eternally grateful. Until next time...

27.07.2010- The day I felt mortal

Today was meant to be a day full of victory and celebration, however it has turned out to be a nightmare which wouldn't go amiss in a Stephen King novel. First of all I lost at table tennis to Chris Wilson, it was more akin to an annihilation, now I know how Baghdad feels like. Then on the journey back from the scene of my defeat, I find out that one of my favourite porn stars was cruelly taken away from me by a knife wielding Islamic maniac, to compound the matter he's only going away for 8 years, this is not a fair punishment considering how much fun he's just taken away from the world and me in particular.


Now I have just lost at pro evolution soccer, without even the consolation of a return fixture. On the the upside though I have realised that I need an Ipad and a scooter in my life, it's the only way I cheer myself up after this disastrous day.

Anyways now to the upin for some bar maid action! hopefully with finkle's Paris Hilton look alike friend.

See you tomorrow, Same place. Same Blog.

P.S Frank better appreciate the new lounge set up, clean kitchen and the impending man cave, with ipads, hp slates, log fires, cognac, greek bathrobes and fine lighting.